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June 18, 2018…Life

Life can be crazy.  I’ve rarely had many moments of calm, even productivity.  I have spent a lifetime of being busy and productive nearly every moment of my life.  When I have time to not be going 100 mph I generally lay on my bed or the couch and watch tv…which is at about 0 mph because I’m zoned out and doing nothing.

When I was young I nearly always took swim lessons in the summer.  I’m not sure how my parents afforded this for me, but it was great.  I was really good at it and even was on swim teams (club and school).  I rarely got to go for the “open” swim in the middle of the day, which was good because when I did I found myself feeling a bit lost.  What did I like to do in the pool?  Swim laps, obviously.  Do I know how to hang out and play in the pool?  To this day, it feels very uncomfortable to be in a pool and hang out without swimming laps.

During my life I often find that I don’t know how to do anything at about 75-80% which leaves me always trying to find a balance that I don’t know how to achieve.  I don’t know how to focus and work but not be doing my best all of the time.  Does that make sense?  I often think of this as a pendulum as I’m one extreme or the other but always striving to find the happy medium.

This goes beyond my work life and effects how I manage everything.  I cannot help but wonder if this has an effect of my anxiety.  I’m pretty sure it does.  I’m also pretty sure that is why I didn’t like being a homemaker when I got sick and was forced to stay home (Remember, I have no children to occupy my time or energy).  Cooking and cleaning seemed boring, repetitive and not really satisfying to me at the time.  Looking back, I also think the fact that it wasn’t by choice caused some resentment and lack of interest in the cooking and cleaning.

I want balance in all areas of my life.  Is the problem that I don’t know how to play?  Is it really a problem that I can’t do 75-80% to pace myself?  At 38, I’m telling you that I think it is.  I often find myself wishing that I could pace myself better in all aspects of my life.  At this point I’m feeling worn out.  And when I do have the energy I’m using it all up very quickly.  This is a problem for me.

Am I the only one who is like this?  Is there any advice to learn to pace myself and enjoy all aspects of life or is this just who I am and I need to accept this about myself?

This isn’t really a Keto post, I realize.  I’m just writing a blog right now about how I’m feeling and what’s going on in my life (and head) at the moment.

My husband and I joke that we’ve been together over 5 years and none of them have been calm or boring.  I always have something going on.  Always.  In fact, right now I have chosen to teach summer school 3 days per week (long days and a Saturday), am selling our condo (which involved getting it painted and fixing a few things), and need to find a new place to live.  The only thing I’m not doing that I should be doing is finishing a research paper for my Master’s degree (it’s literally the last thing I need to do to earn my degree) and I have simply lost interest altogether.

I think this way of being is causing (or at least adding to) my anxiety, me being sick frequently and just my uneasiness in life.  Keto gives me that structure I need.  I wish it was magic and make me slow down and pace myself.

If you can relate or have any advise, please comment below.  Feel free to share, if you think others may identify.

Have a wonderful day!  I know I will.  I have a list of To-Dos a mile long: laundry, going to the realtor’s office to submit paperwork for both the sale of our home and the rental we found yesterday, returning a dress to Macy’s (it’s too big and looks like a giant bag), donating some shoes and making dinner (I have a roast and think we will have that with spinach salad and maybe some sort of veggies that I have in the freezer).  After that, I’ll probably watch tv and do nothing for about an hour and dream up some more things I need to do.  Take good care of yourself!

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